SteLla

My birth story began on my due date, though Stella Rose did not join us Earth side for another 15 days. Throughout my pregnancy I convinced myself that I was not concerned with the due date; she would come on her own time and I trusted that. What a load of shit that was. As soon as that day came, I felt a complete mental shift from “trust” to panic. This panic was a sense of determination to keep control. I was flooded with texts and calls from eager family and friends, all waiting for her arrival.

Right before my laboR finaLly began,

Steve and I had a pretty significant disagreement. I was so strung out “waiting”, that I was on a ledge. I was so defeated and felt shameful that I couldn’t surrender to the present moment and allow my body to engage in labor. My mind was in complete control of my reality. 

We started the labor with an herbal induction and stripping of the membranes. I woke up in the middle of the night with pretty intense labor pains from the start. Little did I know that I had 36 hours to go. The next 24 hours were a constant battle between my left and right brain. As a labor and delivery nurse with a control problem, I rarely stayed in the primal Laborland mindset longer than a couple hours. My logic and knowledge kept me in a state of resistance rather than allowance.

I was constantly analyzing and compaRing my expeRience

to the hundreds of other labors I had witnessed rather than truly experiencing my own.  At hour 24 when I was 6-7 centimeters dilated, swollen, with a baby positioned sunny side up and an uncontrollable urge to push, my first real surrender took place. I intuitively chose to transfer to the hospital. En route, I did not make a peep - I gave no reaction to my body’s involuntary pushing and detached from my monkey mind. I was so disappointed in myself, as I was able to observe how I was the one creating this experience. Steve and I leading up to the hospital transfer were in such a place of oneness as a team. He was the most incredible support person. But once the decision was made we completely disconnected; emotionally, energetically and even physically. His anger was palpable as I knew he thought my decision was brash.

Once we were at the hospital, I was immediately IV hydrated, epiduralized, catheterized and put on continuous monitoring. It was surreal to be the patient in a circumstance I had so frequently been the nurse. I felt like a science project with so many tubes and wires surrounding me. As I knew everything that was happening, Steve knew none of it. He slept through the night, which gave him the space and time to process such a radical shift in plan. Throughout the night, I remained nine centimeters dilated and had to have a second epidural placed. The nurse was seriously prodding me every 15 minutes with interventions. 

By the morning and with the shift change, the oncoming physician finally added Pitocin to give my uterus a little extra strength. Steve and our midwife took a walk and she helped him process the preceding events out loud while my sister did the same for me. Once Steve and I were able to reconnect and release a healing cry together, I felt constant pressure and was fully opened. At 11:28am, Stella arrived. With such a long labor, she had quite a cone head and some superficial bruising. Steve thought she was going to look that way forever.  😂👽

Through my own biRth from Maiden to MotheR, I leaRned true suRrendeR.

I learned that I can either resist the whole way and ruin the journey with comparisons and fears, or embrace the journey as the destination. This tangible, visceral experience is now something I constantly reference in my current situations. It made it clear to me that everything is a choice and those choices are what create the reality of any given experience. 

I do not look back on this day with regret, pain or shame.  The true moments that stick out are flooding the bathroom with Steve in the shower, walking the neighborhood and stopping to admire the flowers while it rained, having my sister there supporting us, feeling her love so deeply, laughing with my midwife and her assistant while they made me scrambled eggs, and listening to The Beatles while my baby girl made her first appearance into the world. It would be easy to focus on the disappointment of having to transfer to the hospital or the discord that happened between Steve and me. But that isn’t the day I remember. The day Stella was born was one of the most physically, mentally and emotionally trying days of my life and I am grateful for every moment. I am proud of myself for all of it and for being able to appreciate the hard lesson.