Myles

On February 20th, we celebrated my oldest daughter’s second birthday which was coincidentally my due date. My in-laws had come to stay with us to assist with last minute preparations for baby, celebrate Stella’s birthday and to help with out with Stella’s care. That night, I began to have very mild contractions. From the moment they began, I oriented internally and really committed to listening and honoring my needs.

I began with the mantra “Soften, Open, Release”

With every single contraction I would breathe and repeat those words to myself. I was able to easily fall asleep that evening and didn’t even inform my partner and his parents of the uterine activity. I had such acute memories of early labor with my first and really taking the mild contractions seriously. So I settled into the mild discomfort without giving it a lot of attention.

February 21st, I had a ticket to go to an event with the legendary Angel Phoenix while she was in Los Angeles. That morning, I wasn’t feeling any discomfort so I headed downtown for the event. Once I was surrounded by the vortex of powerful women at the event, my contractions began again. I found myself excited and feeling so powerful. I knew the contractions were working for me and loved the slow and steady nature of this labor so far. Once I was home, the waves were inconsistent. I took a warm bath, and informed my partner at that point that I was beginning to feel some signs of labor. By the evening, the waves had once again subsided and I had a full night’s rest. 

The following day, I woke up feeling decent but a bit restless. I spent the day with the family and did not experience any contractions. I felt distracted and pulled to separate from the energy of the family. I decided to attend a Moon Circle that evening to continue staying in contact with myself. Once I arrived at the gathering, my waves began again. I remember laying in meditation next to the facilitator, telling her with a smile on my face how I was experiencing activity. For the second time I felt excited and so held by the communal energy of women.

I feLt so strong and confident.

All the while, I was convicted to my mantra “Soften, Open, Release.” That was my only coping practice. Otherwise, I felt at ease and unconcerned.

It was that night that the contractions began to rev up. Around 10pm, I felt them coming in a consistent rhythm and began to time them. There was a moment where they were coming every 5 minutes or so. But when I went to reach for the phone to call my midwife, they began to subside. I decided to continue alone and see if I could get some rest. Throughout this whole process, I really kept to myself. I was not seeking support or comfort from my family or birth team and that just felt right. I can also admit that I was determined not to cry wolf. After experiencing such a long and trying labor with Stella, I didn’t want to get my hopes up that I was dilating with these contractions. So, I listened to a mediation and really sunk into my experience. I can recall the surges most present in my legs and back. I envisioned myself surfing and riding the waves, being sure to stay on top of them. Along with repeating my mantra over and over again.

It was the Sunday morning of February 23rd that I woke up feeling much more worn. The sensations were coming consistently and my body was feeling the effects of the last couple days of activity. A warm bath was not offering me any relief and I informed my partner of my progress. We were headed out for a midwife appointment that morning anyway, so I hadn’t called my midwife to inform her of any activity. On the car ride there, I could hardly stand sitting in the car. The intensity of the surges was increasing. The moment I got out of the car and my midwife laid eyes on me, she knew I was in labor. I was still determined not to admit it. In my mind, if my midwife checked my dilation and I was showing progress of only early labor I knew I would lose my wits and hope.

Once we got settled in the birth center suite, my midwife did a cervical exam. I was five centimeters and very thin in effacement. It was SUCH a relief!

It gave me a refreshed sense of confidence in my capacity to deLiver this baby at the biRth centeR.

My midwife encouraged us to walk down the street for a meal and we agreed to meet back in two hours. 

My partner, Steve, and I walked to the ramen shop a couple blocks away. We thoroughly enjoyed our meal, soaking in the last moments of our togetherness without any babies. The oxytocin of our love bubble enhanced my surges. Within an hour, I needed to head back to the birth center. I felt a strong need to be in warmth, quiet and soft lighting. We made it back to the suite and my second cervical exam was 7 centimeters.

Steve and I settled into our labor bubble together there in the suite. I rolled on the birthing ball and he played soft music that we both enjoyed. At the time, we hadn’t picked out a name for our baby boy yet, so we played around with possible name combinations. I so fondly remember our smiles and giggles together.

It was a moment fuLL of so much connection and trust.

Stephen was so in tune with my sensations and intuitive to how he could support me. 

It wasn’t long before the surges became too intense to talk through them. I was being called into transition, and surrendered to the intensity. There was a moment that I began to resist the experience. I felt a sense of panic. I quickly regained my composure, reconnecting with my mantra and surrendering into the unknown more than ever. I was convicted of not looking at the clock as to let go of any timeline or logic. 

The most intense moment came when I hit 9 centimeters. My mantra that had held me through every wave up until this point was no longer soothing me. I was shaky and remember saying “I just don’t know!” (What a classic sign of transition and imminent delivery). The midwife assistant, aka a literal earth angel named Atoosa, came to my side with such a gentle yet strong presence. She guided me into the surrender to this biggest part. She said the exact words I needed to hear to allow my full opening. It was then that I felt and saw the presence of so many light beings.

I was suRrounded by a circle of wise women, ancestors and guides.

They illuminated my third eye with the glow of deep purple light— it was the most spiritual event I have ever experienced.

I felt a strong urge to get into the birthing tub. Once I was submerged in the water, my body instinctively began to bear down and push. I felt the overwhelming sensations of delivery all while also feeling out of body to my experience. As Myles began to emerge, I could hardly believe the noises that were coming out of me. My big baby boy was a bit stuck when his shoulders began to emerge, so the midwives lifted me up to a standing position. With the roar of a mama lion, my body ejected the rest of Myles into the arms of my earth angel Atoosa.

Myles arrived with serenity in a sunset glow at 6:28pm. He hardly reacted to the harshness of leaving his warm womb. His presence was stoic and unfazed, so much so that he hardly opened his eyes for the whole first week of his life! We remained in our oxytocin bubble as a I was relocated to the bed and monitored post-delivery. It was such a soft, slow paced transition for us all. We ordered more ramen and rice, all laying in the king size bed soaking in this experience. I remember recounting some highlighted moments and my midwives celebrating my strength and calmness. It was surreal.

I was able to eat and shower off within a couple hours of birth. We were sent home by 11pm. When we arrived home, Steve’s parents were there to meet our baby boy. We all went to bed, and Stella met her baby brother the following day. 

We did not land on a name until Myles was three days old, which drove our family crazy. In my experience of being rebirthed as a mother of two, I instantly felt different. Not in big ways, but in all the micro-moments. I had achieved what I had set out to do - yes I had delivered in the setting I desired and unmedicated which I also preferred. But even more so,

I had concretized a sense of seLf-trust and capacity that I didn’t Know I couLd achieve.

I was proud of myself for facing every moment with trust and curiosity, rather than hesitation or doubt.

The woman that was born that evening was unstoppable.